, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, after a very eventful few weeks I have finally found some time to do the last couple of tips in this series.

Tonight I look at ‘people keep who keep touching the pram, kids and making stupid remarks and asking personal questions….’

This question is asked a LOT by new multiple parents and I’m afraid it just a fact that you too will get asked these questions.

The second part to this question is why & can we harm them if they do it again?

All very relevant mind you and sometimes I actually wonder if anyone has…kidding!

Let’s take a look under the hood of someone’s cranium to have a peek as to what is really going on here. You’ve been warned and you might not think much of it now, but trust me, the first few times you just smile and nod….by the 50th, 60th or even 100th time someone does or says anything remotely to do with your kids, it’s more likely they will see dark clouds roll in over their heads, your eyes turn to slitted pupils and a bolt of lighting may just strike between their feet….or so we’d hope.

Sound a bit excessive? Well even to one as calm as myself, I found out very quickly that I had a new temperament around a new breed of what I thought were just dumb people.

From a strangers perspective, we are gifted, we have super powers of attracting the dumbest, inconsiderate, rude individuals. When I say attracting, think black hole type attraction, there is no escaping it…and you live on the event horizon for the first 18 months or so.

If David Attenborough ever wanted to study a new species of human behaviour, I think even he would find it challenging, yet simultaneously dumbfounding as all rational thoughts evaporate from normal people once they hit the 1 metre mark from the pram…welcome to the twilight zone.

So let’s be clear as to what you can expect:

1] Homo Inconsiderus….. Threat level: 9/10
Removing muslin wraps that cover sleeping children in a pram and want to play with said sleeping children. Not having washed their hands or wiping their nose with the sleeve of their jumper then reaching for your children. (Think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’s children snatcher with a dash of wicked witch of the west thrown in for good measure.)

Eradication Method:
Idle threats like ‘I wouldn’t do that if I was you.’…..followed by a raised eyebrow. If oblivious to said remark, slap wrist firmly and wiggle a finger at them followed by a simple Tut Tut…..no touchy touchy.

2] Homo Whatthefuckius….. Threat level 8/10
Asks all about your sex life, how you conceived twins, guesses, rightly or wrongly, that you must have used IVF and worst of all, expects you to actually answer the question.

Eradication Method:
Ask them what colour their knickers are. When they snap out of their rivière, follow this up with ‘it’s rude to ask those questions isn’t it?’ And walk away immediately.
If this happens to be asked at a family gathering and you cannot escape, I’m sure you’re within your rights to answer with the alternative rebuke of ‘Karma sutra position number 43, how about you?’

3] Dinodumbass….. Threat Level 5/10
Tries to be funny with comments like, double (triple) trouble, I have two kids 2 years apart, that’s like having twins, what did you do to deserve THAT many kids at once, etc…

Eradication Method:
Blank stare or whitty comeback (if you’re good at them).

Best defence to all of the above…thicker skin. Your kryptonite is your ability to be drawn down to their level and being beaten with experience. You owe nobody any type of explanation for your circumstances no matter who they are.

Yes it will happen, but one word of advice….. hold your tongue! There is method to this madness in the fact that after 99th person has tested your patience, the 100th person will lean close to you, you brave yourself as they whisper, “You’re doing a great job” and then winks.

Don’t miss this rare treat as they walk away smiling, you can only bet the dumbfounded look on your face that they are either a twin or triplet or parents of multiples themselves. Oh and don’t forget to laugh….you’ll only understand why when you are in this exact same scenario.

Oh and as for the second part to this question of can we harm them if they do it again? The answer is no, the boot of your car can’t carry that many bodies, even if you own a bus…..